Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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