I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
