The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Sext me about skeletons
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
