watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
