Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Im part way to drunk.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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