Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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