Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
