i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
