my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
If that was your dad, he is hot
I have demons in me.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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