just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
i wish my penis had a tongue
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
