I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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