i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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