Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
