it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
