the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
my shit smells like andre
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
