I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Randomize
