mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
