My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He felt like a one man threesome
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
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