You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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