just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
this just has baby written all over it
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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