You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
