just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
