Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I wear drunk well.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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