I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
