News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
