I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Blood and glitter go together right?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
