At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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