my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
