He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
