Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
