Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
