If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
