tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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