I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
