oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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