At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
