How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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