my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
false alarm. still invincible.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
