As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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