She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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