so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
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