4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
