There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
