i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
