I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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