I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
