Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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