i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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