Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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