I cannot find my penis.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
