How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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