I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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