So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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