I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
