matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
