Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
