Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
